


Many Waters

by Lostbedouin



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Religious, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Catholic Guilt, Catholic Imagery, Catholicism, Child Abuse, Corruption, Cults, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manipulation, Psychological Torture, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Religious Fanaticism, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Slow Romance, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-01-10 21:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12308337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostbedouin/pseuds/Lostbedouin
Summary: Killua might not have grasped the trinity and certainly didn’t yet understand the meaning of the ten commandments, but what he did understand was fear.





	1. Genesis

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not all verses and facts about Catholicism are accurate. I had to take some things out of context to fit the story so if you're looking for accuracy look at all the other fics in the wide selection of religious hxh aus.
> 
> Also, thanks Zeal for making me write this piece of utter hell <3

_“Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.”_

**Isaiah 14:15**

 

* * *

 

Moonlight spilled through a small mosaic window; its pure white glow shattering into a spectrum of color as it flowed through the tinted panes of glass. The multi-colored hues were the only source of light aside from a small candle that burned diligently at the base of an ornate and tall mirror. It’s glow was steady and unwavering, illuminating the area in an ecliptic ring of light that cast dancing shadows against a barren wall.

Killua sat facing the mirror with legs crossed and eyes closed. He pursed his lips as he tried to remember the verses that Illumi had asked him to recite. His brother’s hands deftly ran through his hair and he couldn’t help but feel drowsy as Illumi’s slender fingers brushed his scalp.

He finished gathering the hair behind Killua’s back and began to brush it in smooth, rhythmic movements. Killua could feel himself relax, his muscles unlocking along with the walls he’d built up to keep his family out. His innocent heart clunge to moments such as these. They were his only relief and naturally he had come to almost idolize his brother for bringing them to him.

Killua’s eyes glanced up for a moment to take in Illumi’s reflection in the mirror. His form was illuminated by the tainted light of the moon making a silhouette of color that could only be described as ethereal. His long ebony hair fell down to his waist, a perfect contrast to the pale porcelain skin that was flawless and almost seemed to shine in the moonlight. His face was an intelligent one—if apathetic—while his expression was stoic. Killua hardly noticed Illumi’s apathy towards others as he almost constantly received his brother’s affection. Only sometimes would he feel the cold and threatening aura. His expression, to Killua, appeared to be one of reverence, which led him to the childlike belief that his brother must be an angel.

Illumi was his symbol of safety; a fulfillment of his innocent hope for refuge. Illumi was also one of the few pieces of religion that Killua could understand. He was too young to grasp the meaning behind the heady topics that he memorized, but there were some realities that were very evident to him. Realities such as his father who would beat him when he misquoted a verse and his mother who would blame her own faults on him (claiming his ignorance led to all her mistakes).

Killua might not have grasped the trinity and certainly didn’t yet understand the meaning of the ten commandments, but what he did understand was fear.

Fear seemed to be the true God in the Zoldyck household. It was the only tool the family had and it was used often. Killua was still sore from the last beating he’d endured and his eyes seemed to be constantly swollen from crying.

Illumi’s gaze met Killua’s in the mirror and Killua looked away quickly. He closed his eyes tightly as though he had been focusing, his mouth opening to spill out the verse that Illumi wanted.

“The fear of the Lord is…” he started. “Is...love?” The last word ended on a high note as if he was asking a question. The brushing stopped abruptly and even with his eyes closed Killua could feel Illumi’s gaze on him. He froze.

Silence bore down on him creating a needling pressure in his mind that was unrelenting and attentive. Killua wanted so badly to say something, anything. But he knew that whatever he said now would be the wrong answer. He kept thinking.

It was moments like these when Killua had to remind himself that Illumi wasn’t always safe. While he’d never faced Illumi’s wrath or punishment, the eldest of the Zoldyck children was no stranger to the family’s use of fear.

Killua bit his lip and wracked his mind for the verse.

_The fear of the Lord is, happiness? ... joy? The fear of the_ _Lord_ _gladdens the heart...No, no, no, no!_

He didn’t dare open his eyes and the candle flickered as though it too, felt the cold gaze of the older boy.

“Pride!” he blurted out, his eyes popping open. “The fear of the Lord is pride!” The menacing aura seemed to completely disappear as Illumi’s lips turned up into the faintest ghost of a smile. A smile only reserved for Killua.

Killua felt himself begin to relax at Illumi’s approval, but his body was still on guard to see if the safety was sincere.

“And what’s the rest?” He resumed brushing, his dark eyes dropping down to Killua’s shining hair. Killua’s breath hitched in his throat, maybe there was temporary relief but it wasn’t over yet.

“The fear of the Lord is glory and pride, happiness and a crown of joyfulness.” he spoke confidently now, the rest of the passage falling into place. “The fear of the Lord gladdens the heart, giving happiness, joy and long life. Sirach 1:11-12.”

He felt the back of Illumi’s fingers caress his cheek and drop to his neck, lingering there for a moment as Killua’s pulse began to steady. The action seemed to say “it’s safe” and Killua felt the warmth of his brother’s presence return. Inwardly, he felt himself breathe out a sigh of relief. It was not until the threat was taken away that he realized just how much he feared it.

To Killua, the loss of Illumi’s love was far more terrifying than any punishment his parents could duel out. They toyed with fake puppet strings that only brushed against him while Illumi held Killua inside his hands; with even the slightest tip he could send him reeling into darkness.

Illumi’s fingers found their way back to Killua’s hair, twisting it into a bun and inserting a long, needle-like pin into it.

“I’m proud of you Killu.” The words were soft and reassuring. If they held any cold undertones, they were left unnoticed by the young silver-haired boy.

It was just the affirmation that he needed and Killua turned from the mirror and flung his arms around Illumi, burying his face in his brother’s chest.

“Aniki.” It came out almost like a plea. _Please stop scaring me aniki. Please just be proud of me. Please love me._

 

* * *

 

Killua sat facing the mirror as he had so many times before. His mind jumped to his childhood and he realized the night ritual that once meant safety to him had now become a kind of dreadful tradition. Lifeless blue eyes stared back at him and they no longer felt like his own. He was empty as his lips moved, reciting verses that meant nothing to him, but were his salvation, so he was told.

“‘As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? God forbid. For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.’”

The rhythmic brushing stopped and Illumi’s fingers began to comb through his hair. He felt his muscles relax and the armor he’d built up began to crack a little. Killua, grimaced and his eyes shifted back to the mask of perfection that everyone expected and he’d come to rely on. Illumi pulled a strand of long silver hair from his cheek and Killua felt his brother’s fingertips brush past. He shivered.

Killua had realized a long time ago that God was impersonal and far away; a being that did not reach out and would never touch his deepest thoughts. God judged him from afar. He watched like a silent observer. In God’s name pain had been dealt out to him and God was the reason his life was out of his control. Yet God would never intercede on his behalf.

But Illumi…Illumi showed him love. As a child he had seen his brother as an angel, pure and beautiful, glowing with reverence and goodwill. Before he had even realized it Illumi had filled the position of the greatest divine being. When he prayed he prayed with Illumi, when he was judged it was by Illumi, and most of all, when he felt love it was from Illumi.

Illumi would give him what the real God never could and Killua would desperately drink it up like the Holy Scripture. He was dependant and hungered for the comfort that was given each night, all the pain during the day washed away as his brother would gently stroke his hair.

If it was a battle of wills, Killua knew he was losing. He swallowed and continued.

“Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth. Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will? Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?”

Killua knew what most would pull from these two passages. They would question why a loving God would hate Esau. They would worry that God might hate them and try to find in the ancient Greek some backdoor way to translate a word that means to utterly abhor.

But Killua did not care about God’s hate. He had known that God hated him since the first day he’d been left bleeding and starving in the basement. After a week alone, he realized that he was on the same level as the family demon he was taught to despise.

To him, only one truth stood out. _People are tools. Every single one of us a pawn of a greater being._ This was a truth Killua could grasp onto. It was one he hated but could trace back to when Illumi first started training him, all the brutal steps to perfection that not even his parents dared to take. _I am a tool._ The words seemed so empty in his mind, a blank reminder of an old reality, he held no control. He closed his eyes as he repeated it silently in his head, a fact he already knew but one he never expected to be quoting. _I am a tool. I am a tool. I am a tool…_ Illumi’s brushing paused but Killua didn’t notice. _There is nothing I can do. I am a tool…_

“Killu, is something wrong?” Killua’s eyes shot open as he realized his mistake, but he didn’t dare look up. He knew his brother’s eyes were narrowing as they looked at him, searching for the smallest change in expression. He wouldn’t give him that satisfaction. Even though Killua knew it was probably a futile attempt he couldn’t help but try anyway. It was almost animalistic, like a dog struggling against a chain though it’s freedom would never extend past the length of the iron links.

“What if God hates me?” he asked, his gaze dropping down to his hands. The words were calculated and crafted so that his older brother wouldn’t pick up on the hidden unrest in his mind. Illumi’s eyes looked into his in the mirror as he continued. “I’m trying to do the right thing, I’m trying to be what you and father want but what if it doesn’t matter?”

As he spoke, the real questions began to storm into his mind, a whirlwind of thought he tried so hard to kept bottled up. _If you’re just using me why do you act like you love me? It’s almost ironic brother, you brush my hair, you tell me you’re proud while in reality I am just your tool. I am the clay that you so carefully mold and you are God._ He continued with a strain in his voice.

“It says that it’s just a choice, it didn’t matter what anyone did. He hated Esau, he _hated_ him.” _Yes you are God. Except unlike God you do not possess any love for me and I need to believe that. If God hates, you can too, so_ **_stop acting like you love me!_ **

Though he struggled in his mind, everything led to the same conclusion.

Killua knew he would helplessly need Illumi’s comfort. He knew he would inevitably tell him the true fears of his heart. He knew that no matter what he did, Illumi would control him. But none of this stopped him from fighting his need for that love.

Illumi’s hands dropped from his hair and Killua looked away from the mirror and over his shoulder. An icy chill began to reach across his body. It felt like Illumi was prying into his mind and looking right through the front of a perfect child he had put up.

Even when he so carefully picked his words and reactions he felt naked in front of his brother. It was as though Illumi could see into his soul, all the sin just beneath the surface, and all the unasked questions that hid behind just one voiced fear. _Just like God._ He thought, as he felt the judging silence of his brother’s cold aura.

“Why would you think that, Killua?” his voice came out cold and flat. And all too late Killua realized he was a fool to think that he could hide from Illumi. He knew what would happen now. Illumi would prod at his mind relentlessly and give him no comfort, no rest, no love until he knew what it was Killua was hiding. This was his fatal slip, his secret place now at risk because of one stupid question.

“What if I don’t do what you want?” _No, no, no. Why did I say that?!_ He swallowed and tried to rephrase, directing it back to the original question. “What if God knows I won’t do what he wants? Not just my failure now, but any failure I may have later could mean that a long time ago God decided to hate me.”

Illumi’s eyes slid away from his in the mirror and he resumed brushing. The action that had just moments ago been a source of comfort were now suffocating. Illumi was prodding into his mind and as his fingers slid through his hair he had to force himself from shrinking away in fear.

Every sense of his was on guard as Illumi touched him, and the cold chill from earlier had grown into a blizzard. He fought with himself to stay calm, refusing the temptation of confessing that would eventually return him to his brother’s love.

He had realized far too late that Illumi had nurtured his reliance on purpose. He never could have fought back and even now, as Killua so desperately tried to struggle against his brother’s hold on him he knew he was helpless. No matter what he did nothing would change and Illumi would undoubtedly sink his fingers into his mind and pull out all the worst secrets he held. He would tear them apart, displaying them for Killua to see and telling him he should hate himself. Only Killua could be this wretched, this terrible and disgusting. He should be thankful that Illumi showed him any love at all.

“Do you know why God hated Esau, Killua?” Illumi’s question seemed to reach out and attack him. Killua barely managed to answer with a steady tone.

“No.”

“It was because Jacob was chosen by God to be loved.” Illumi’s hand brushed against Killua’s cheek and a sick feeling passed from Illumi’s fingers through him and down into his stomach. The caress was a warning and he wanted to vomit. “Just like you.”

Killua refused to respond.

Maybe if he didn’t react Illumi’s cold aura would melt away. Maybe the questions would stop and maybe Illumi would leave him be. He hoped it in his heart and prayed silently. _Please God, I know you don’t love me but please, just this once. I don’t want to suffer. I don’t know if I can take this anymore, please._

But of course, God did not hear his prayer.

“Killua, that was not your real question was it?” Illumi’s head tipped to the side. “You have something to tell me don’t you?”

Killua nodded slowly.

In a strange way the helplessness of the situation brought him comfort. He was afraid of what was to come, but at the same time he realized once he was judged he would be safe. Illumi would wrap his arms around him and tell him that he only tortured him to make him pure. He would explain that the secrets were demons in him, that he only hated them and never Killua…

As Illumi turned him around and held out his arms for the embrace that always began his confessions, Killua knew he must be right. Illumi did love him.

His brother pulled him close and Killua grasped onto him firmly, soaking up the last moments of love before he would be dragged down into the dark to face his shame.

_Yes, Illumi does love me,_ he thought gently, his mind becoming numb and tired, ready to comply to whatever was asked of him.

_He loves me._ His thoughts were an unconscious fog, ready to be opened up and examined by Illumi. He felt so far away from himself as he opened his mouth and when the confession finally spilled from his lips he was no longer afraid of what was to come. It was a dull understanding that his punishment was just, simply pain he had to go through to earn his brothers love.

When he finished, Illumi silently picked up his lifeless form and carried him out the door. As he felt himself descend down, down, down, the steps to the gloomy depths that were his own personal hell, the only thing he could think was, _He loves me._

 

* * *

 

Killua’s body jerked awake to a ringing in his ears. A burning sensation snaked through his body freezing him in pain. Every muscle seemed to be throbbing as though the very fiber of his being was ripping itself apart in a desperate attempt to stop the charge that ran through it.

He strained against the steel chains and let out a deafening scream that echoed against the concrete walls. It was utter agony; a pulse of pure pain that was traveling through his body rendering him unable to do anything but shake and cry out.

It was only seconds, but to him it seemed like a small eternity. The shocks began to die down and his screams faded into choked sobs, tears streaming down his face.

Finally, it stopped. Killua fell slack against the chains and began to shake violently, the aftershock humming through him. His brother’s voice rose from the haze in incrophrehensable words that melted as they reached his ringing ears. His lips quivered and he tried to move them but they were reduced to the same trembling as his mutilated body.

It had to have been minutes before the pain started to fade away. Even then, he was left with the convulsions coursing through him.

“I-Illu-ni” he choked out as he looked for his brother’s form through his tears and the shadows that seemed to seep from the basement walls. “Illu-n-ni, pl-ple-” His voice cracked. The response almost seemed more torturous than the electricity that had just shot through him.

“Don’t speak to me demon.” he heard a cold voice say back to him. As his body spasmed and ached, the pain was nothing compared to the hopeless despair at his brother’s hard words. He had no choice but to hold onto the promise that it was all in love.  

He wanted to reply, but before he could try to say anything else Illumi’s hand pulled down and Killua faded into darkness.

He woke to weightlessness. For a moment it was like there was nothing at all. He was suspended in absolute silence and his body was still as a statue, the pain completely gone.

And then it struck.

Killua screamed in agony and he tried to form words as his body seemed to hum with the electricity coursing through him. His heart felt like it would beat right out of his chest and his lungs struggled against the strain of the shock. He felt the pain needling through his body, every nerve awake every sense crying out with his own screams as the burning sensation rippled through him.

“PLEASE! PLEASE NO!” he tried to cry out through the unrelenting shocks, but instead what came out was another ear-splitting scream. It faded into a choked yell and then a sickening noiseless wheeze. As the pain died down his body, once again, broke into convulsions, shaking unyieldingly against his will.

Illumi waited until Killua was completely still this time, allowing him time enough to speak.

“P-Please. No, n-no more.” he said through shaky sobs. His words came out as more of a croak but the desperation in them was clear. His brother’s voice was closer now, right up to his ear to be sure that Killua heard.

“Repent,” he said, his voice held no trace of sympathy and in that moment Killua’s fear was pure. As his body fell against the chains he choked and tried to speak, his voice uneven and cracked.

“I-I… repent… just… stop, p-please Illu-ni.” His tears spilled against the ground and his sobs wracked his body relentlessly.

“It’s not enough,” said Illumi, his face a vacant mask as he pulled the lever. His voice seemed almost wistful and not entirely directed at his brother. Killua barely caught the phrase as he slunk back into the abyss his consciousness fading away into the gloom.

A thousand needles seem to dig into him and as his strangled scream pierced the silence once more. As he trembled, the smell of his burning flesh seemed to coat his mouth. He wanted to vomit but his tired mind managed to register relief. It had to stop now, the burning flesh meant that Illumi could go no further unless he wanted to risk frying Killua’s brain.

He heard footsteps echo off the basement walls and he knew that Illumi smelled it too. His head hung low but he managed to see his brother’s feet dance before his eyes. His tears of pain turned into tears of relief. He tried to open his mouth to speak but his body was still convulsing and he knew any movement he tried on his own would pull him back into unconsciousness. Illumi knew this too and even shaking and hardly awake he felt the change in his brother. The cold melted away into warmth and Killua basked in it.

“It will be alright Killua.” He heard through the haze. “In a week, I will come back for you and you will be pure.” The voice was slowly melting away and he wanted to reach out to it. He couldn’t register the words but they held kindness and care, something he so desperately needed at this moment.

But his desperation did not matter. Illumi’s steps retreated up the stairs and the thud of the closing door echoed throughout the basement. He was left alone in his shame.

He had not earned his brother’s love.

As he hung in the dark, Killua’s mind felt like it was being split open. It was as though the contents were being picked apart, needles shoved into every nerve. The after-effects of the shocks always left his thoughts clouded and usually stripped him down to the basis of what could keep him conscious in his pain. Now it was as though his inner dialogue was stuck on a loop, repeating the same phrase over and over again.

_He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me…_

It was almost as though he was trying to convince himself as he hung from the basement wall, convulsing and surrounded by the smell of his own seared flesh. It was his instinct to believe, the one thing that could save him from this endless pain. It had to be true, it had to be. It was the only way for this to end…

In moments such as these, Killua would scream it as his salvation. Later, however, it became a cursed reminder. Yes, later his mind would be awake and as he processed the pain inflicted on him it would turn into his close companion, never leaving him until the next secret was exposed.

For even though he would desperately try to stop himself; create masks and walls in a pathetic attempt to save his body from the endless suffering in this abyss, none of it would withstand his brother’s presence.

It was only a matter of time before he would be judged again.

 

* * *

 

_“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.”_

**Job 13:15**

 


	2. Set Me as a Seal Upon Thine Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly the pieces clicked together. 
> 
> Something. The demon is Something.
> 
> And then he heard the screams.

_“Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.”_

**Psalms 51:5**

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Summer was coming to a close and the cold bite of fall had overtaken the sweet scent of flowers and freshly mown grass. Clouds were strewn in tufts across the sky like thinly spread cotton over a light blue canvas. The sun was liquid gold being spilled out onto the earth; its warm rays of light a farewell gift as the west wind trickled in._

 

_Laying in the grass was a boy who couldn’t have been older than four, his expression was one of innocence and his eyes had a spark of curiosity. His hands were busy playing with two blades of bright green grass, twisting them together and pulling them apart; his eyes were fixed on an older boy. He seemed to be around fifteen, his face was defined and mature, but his body was adolescent with long, thin limbs and a lithe build. He was leaning against the trunk of an old oak tree whose branches provided ample shade for the two, though its leaves were beginning to fall. He clutched a thick book and spoke in an instructive tone, completely capturing the attention of the younger boy._

 

_“Let me tell you a story,” he started. The younger one looked up._

 

_“What kind of story, Illu-ni?”_

 

_He let the book drop into his lap. “It’s a story about a monster.”_

 

_Killua sat up._

 

_“A monster?” he asked, his innocent eyes lit up._

 

_“Yes, a monster. A demon, to be more exact. Filthy, sinful and cast out by God.” Illumi continued. “They will do anything in their power to corrupt the souls of the pure.”_

 

_“But God gave me my soul and if I follow him I’ll be okay.”_

 

_“Demons are dangerous and deceitful, Killu, more has to be done if you are to protect yourself from one. That’s why whenever you meet a demon you have to make sure that you perform a ritual to keep it from hurting you.”_

 

_“What kind of ritual?”_

 

_Killua’s expression seemed to ooze with curiosity and Illumi’s hand snaked out, grabbing Killua by the arm. Killua’s froze in fear at the sudden movement, but Illumi didn’t seem to care._

 

_“Demons don’t have bodies here on earth, so they possess the bodies of weak and corrupt souls. To protect yourself from one you have to shock the demon away from it’s host,” Illumi explained as he slid a needle out from the spine of his Bible. Killua shifted uncomfortably in Illumi’s grasp._

 

_Illumi kept going._

 

_“The only sensation powerful enough to shock a demon from the body it has chosen to possess is pain.” Illumi raised the needle just above Killua’s arm, his gaze unnervingly calm, a perfect contrast to the fear that Killua could feel coursing through him._

 

_“Like this,” he said, and just as Killua registered what was happening, the needle sunk into his porcelain skin. It pierced through easily and Killua yelped, pulling back in pain. The pinprick was hardly painful, but it was enough to shock him._

 

_“You’re making that up!” Killua said as he cradled his arm in his lap, trying for the millionth time to read his brother’s blank eyes._

 

_Illumi wiped the needle's tip on his pant leg and slid it back into the spine of the Bible. His gaze shifted to Killua’s arm and he held his open hand out, gesturing for Killua to put his arm in it._

 

_“Ah...no Killu. I’m not lying.” Killua was hesitant at first, but his trust outweighed the wound he’d just been dealt. He placed his bleeding arm into Illumi’s waiting hand. “That would be a sin, wouldn’t it?” His words came out smoothly, an intoxicating and convincing truth that was irrefutable and pure. Killua knew his brother would not lie._

 

_Illumi pulled a strip of white cloth from his vest, his eyes fixed on Killua’s arm. He finished bandaging it carefully before returning his gaze to the sparkling, electric gaze of his younger brother. Capturing his Illumi’s full attention gave Killua a warm feeling and seemed to erase what had just happened._

 

_“Would you like to know a true story?” Illumi began, his eyes shifting away from his brother’s._

 

_Killua nodded silently. Illumi leaned back, his eyes shifting as a cloud passed over the sun. The chill of the day bit at the skin with the sun’s light hidden away._

 

_“There was once a boy who was so corrupt inside that a demon possessed him as a child.” Illumi stopped for a moment, processing some unspoken thought before continuing. “This corruption turned him into a savage beast with delusional thoughts about reality. But you see, the young boy was loved by his family and though they were forced to cast him out with hate they did not abandon him completely. A devout priest would go everyday to the young boy and feed him. Despite this priest’s best effort, however, the boy still refused to cast the demon out from his body.”_

 

_“But didn’t he want to be clean.” Killua asked as he examined the linen wrapped around his arm with a furrowed brow. “Because God says, ‘Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.’” His nose scrunched up a bit as he quoted, but when he finished he seemed to be very pleased with himself._

 

_“No. He refused to be clean. And as the demon inside him grew stronger the priest was left with no choice. He had to protect himself from the evil of Hell.”_

 

_Killua nodded and scooted closer whispering, “‘Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good’.”_

 

_“That was when the priest began to look deep into the Holy Book in search of answers. He found a passage stating exactly his struggle saying, ‘When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it seventy other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first.’ By this point the priest realized the problem would only get worse if he didn’t do something.”_

 

_“So what did he do?”_

 

_Illumi’s eyes gleamed._

 

_“The priest realized that the only way to protect oneself against a demon was to use pain, just like I showed you. He knew that the young boy would never be able to conquer seventy demons on his own. He realized that he needed to change his approach. That is when the priest realized that the boy would resume conscious behaviour as he woke up the body, temporarily casting the demons away.” Illumi’s lips turned up and his hand gripped the Bible tightly as he continued._

_“He was freeing the boy…” His eyes were practically glowing and his aura was laced with a menacing chill. Killua shivered._

 

_“But I don’t have to worry about demons because I’m holy, right? I’ll never meet a demon in real life.”_

 

_Illumi looked up finally. “Ah, Killu, this affects you the most.”_

 

_Killua wrapped his arms around himself and looked away. “I don’t like this lesson Illu-ni,” he said softly._

 

_“But you must remember this lesson above all,” his brother spoke firmly, “It is the most important thing I will ever teach you.”_

 

* * *

 

 

Killua was waiting.

 

His eyes were downcast and wrapped between his fingers was a string of beads. He could feel the ground beneath him, cold and hard. Thin rays of light streamed through the wooden panels of the basement door and fell across the ground inches away from Killua’s feet. His return here was unfailing and because of this it almost felt to him as though this place belonged to him. No, he belonged to it, for even in the barren wasteland of his mind the pain that lay beyond the thick wood of the door always seemed to find him. It was the promise of Hell. He had been dragged through its threshold too many times to count and it was sickening.

 

But it was also a comfort. Every time he had been dragged through this door he had been forced to relinquish control and despite his fear, letting go meant at least giving in to an evil he could handle. At least he knew what to expect. In a strange way, this source of dread was also the most reliable part of his life, second only to Illumi, and as he sat waiting to enter there was a familiar warmth that greeted him.

 

He reached for the next bead and that’s when the warmth faded. With each prayer Killua found himself closer and fear began to sink in. He had never been here without Illumi. He wasn’t _supposed_ to be here without Illumi. This place was left untouched upon his absence and Killua knew that Illumi would never suspect him of going in alone. Killua felt his body tense up as he realized this was something he could hide from his brother. That reality should have been a comfort, but instead a raw kind of sadness crept in.

 

 _Stupid,_ he thought. _It’s better he won’t know._

 

But still, it felt wrong. Illumi wasn’t here, Illumi would never know, this would be a secret and it would forever be his secret. Illumi wasn’t here.

 

Illumi wasn’t here.

 

Killua felt alone.

 

He was three prayers away from walking down into the basement. Three prayers away from stepping into the dark of his own free accord. Three prayers away from meeting the source of the screams he’d grown so familiar with. His thoughts raced and his voice came out in a dull whisper; the words soft on his lips.

 

_“Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.”_

 

Two prayers.

 

He had learned the rosary before he’d even been taught to tie his shoelaces. The routine of it had long ago passed it into a subconscious, careless action. The prayers held no meaning to him now except as a barrier between him and the door that would unravel his heart until he stood bare before the Something below.

 

This was his own choice, but he wasn’t sure why he needed to do this. It had been an almost impulsive urge in him. His fear had reached pinnacle the night before, with Illumi’s threatening aura hanging over him; he had felt trapped and alone, and with his brother having left the next day it led him to making a spring of the moment decision.

 

And now he was here.

 

The door he sat next to was usually locked, but Killua had a key.

 

_“Glory be to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.”_

 

His fingers slipped to the next bead.

 

One prayer.

 

His pace seemed to slow as he recited the Hail Holy Queen.

 

 _“Blessed Virgin Mary, we may imitate what they contain and obtain what they promise. Through the same Christ our Lord. Amen..”_ Killua’s voice came out emotionless, the final words were whispers that echoed against the shrinking walls and intimidating gate before him.

 

Killua stood up and slipped the rosary into his pocket, running a hand through his long snowy hair. He was hesitant. Though Killua knew something was down there the only information he had came from a combination of the story Illumi had given and the general mystery that surrounded his family concerning this issue.

 

Killua could remember the first time it had been brought up. Illumi had been away that day but the rest of the family was sitting around the table, hands folded and heads down. Silva’s voice rang out in a simple prayer thanking the meal. He ended it with a firm “Amen” and everyone looked up. There was a brief moment of silence before Silva began making conversation with his wife. The Zoldyck children had learned at a young age not to speak unless spoken to. The father of the house had absolute authority over conversation and to speak out of turn would mean missing the meal.

 

Killua filtered out the conversation his parents were having and dipped his fork into his food. He was about to take a bite when he saw Milluki lean towards Kalluto. Milluki’s voice was soft, hardly audible. “I heard a noise coming from the basement last night.”

 

Kalluto’s eyes hardened in annoyance and he ignored Milluki, taking a bite, chewing, swallowing. Milluki didn’t give up and began again.

 

“I swear it sounded like a little kid screaming.” His voice was louder that time.

 

Kalluto set his fork down. “Shut up, Milluki.”

 

“No really. I’m going to get it on recording next time.”

 

“ _Shut up,_ Milluki.” Kalluto’s voice was cold and cutting. He’d always been one to follow the rules and prefered to stay on their mother’s good side. Killua assumed he also wanted to avoid the punishment that was sure to ensue for listening.

 

Milluki, on the other hand, didn’t care.

 

“Aw, come on Kalluto you know you’re curious too. The thing down there-”

 

“Milluki.” Silva’s voice boomed across the room and silenced him immediately.   

 

An uncomfortable silence fell over the table and Milluki was suddenly very interested in his food. Killua had his hands tightly folded in his lap and he glanced over at Kalluto who sat perfectly still. Kikyo’s solid, cold glare was locked onto Milluki. Killua thought he could see him trembling. Whatever punishment Milluki would receive, as the faithful wife and woman of the household, Kikyo would make sure it was doubled. Kalluto was the only one immune to their mother’s wrath and even he was sometimes victim to Kikyo’s violent mood swings and cruel punishments.

 

Milluki’s voice was almost a squeak. “Yes, father.”

 

“Come here.”

 

Milluki stood up his gaze still low as he walked over to Silva. Milluki stopped before his father. Even sitting down Silva was taller than him and the expression on Silva’s face did nothing to ease the tension in the room.

 

_Smack!_

 

Milluki slowly raised his hand to his cheek where Silva’s knuckles had left red welts that were beginning to swell. They would leave an impressive bruise.

 

“You will not speak out of turn.”

 

“Yes, father.” his voice was weak and small in the presence of Silva.

 

“What was that?”

 

Kikyo smiled.

 

“Yes, sir.” Milluki said louder.

 

Silva nodded. “Now, what was so important that you found it necessary to disrespect me as well as the rules of this family?”

 

Milluki was silent for a moment and he seemed to be weighing his options. Finally, he spoke.

 

“I heard a noise in the basement. I wanted Kalluto to help me find it.”

 

Kalluto’s mouth turned down. Now he would be in trouble too.

 

“I see.” Silva said. Milluki gulped. “There is nothing in the basement Milluki, you should forget about it. As for your speaking out of turn you’ll be fasting from now until a week has passed.”

 

Anyone else in the family would have dropped it there, but Milluki was surprisingly impulsive despite his weak and cowardly nature.

 

“But father! I _know_ I heard _something_ down there!”

 

Silva stood up and his form was imposing as it towered over them all. Milluki immediately realized his mistake.

 

Silva’s voice thundered across the room. “I don’t care what you think you heard. There is nothing down there. I’ll be extending your fasting to a month. Do not disrespect me again.”

 

“Yes, sir.” he said, before running swiftly towards the door. As he was about to push it open a lighter voice range out.

 

“Milluki!” It was Kikyo.

 

He stopped, gulped. “Yes, mother?” he said, his back still turned.

 

“Look at me when you’re talking to me.”

 

He turned around.

 

“Yes, Ma’am.”

 

“Milluki, what is Ephesians 6:1?”

 

“Uhm,” his voice came out shaky. Killua had to mentally restrain himself from blurting the verse out. Every Zoldyck child had this verse drilled into them at a young age. But he knew if he spoke right now his mother’s wrath would surely turn to him. That didn’t stop Kalluto.

 

“‘Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.’” Kalluto’s voice was clear and crisp and he stood as he spoke, making sure his presence was known.

 

Kikyo smiled.

 

“Very good, Kalluto.” Her icy gaze turned back to Milluki. “You obviously need practice, don’t you think so Milluki?”

 

He nodded. “Yes, Ma’am.”

 

Kikyo clapped her hands together. “I’m glad you think so! Now then, go to your room and write Ephesians 6:1 down five-hundred times! I’m sure by the time you finish you’ll be at least half as well versed as Kalluto. If you finish before midnight then move on to the next verse in Ephesians. Do I make myself clear?”

 

“Yes, mother.”

 

“Good. Now leave.”

 

Milluki didn’t need to be told twice and he was out the door before Kalluto could sit back down.

 

Silva took his seat and silence fell over the table one again. He began to cut into his steak when Kikyo cleared her throat. It was a cracking sound and Killua hated it. Silva sighed and looked up from his food.

 

“Kalluto, go to your room.”

 

Realizing staying would incur more of their father’s wrath, Kalluto pulled his chair out and left without a word. Killua got up to follow after him when a hand stopped him. He turned slowly. Silva looked down at him with an expression he’d never seen before. It looked almost like, concern?

 

“Killua, sit down.”

 

He obeyed.

 

“Illumi has decided to join the priesthood,” he began. “and we’ve decided that you would do well to follow in his footsteps. That means he will be taking over your studies.”

 

Killua felt the tension of the previous situation melt away and he filled with joy at the idea that he might be able to train with his brother.

 

An icy smile made it's way to Kikyo's face.

 

“Really father?” he said, the sides of his mouth turning up into a grin.

The edge of Silva's mouth hinted at a smile.

 

"Yes, really. But because of that there is something you must know." His voice had taken on a deeper tone and Killua's smile faded as he realized the importance of his father's next words. "There _is_ Something down there, Kilua.”

 

Killua gave a confused glance.

 

“But you just said-”

 

"It's better your siblings don't know. We should only know of the evil we can handle, it is all part of God's plan."

 

"What is it, father?" his curiosity got the best of him and he couldn't help but pry further. "Milluki said he heard it scream, is it an animal?"

 

"You will know in God's time, Killua, For now it is Something, it exists and that is all."

 

Silva's tone had a finality to it that ended the conversation before it could go further. Killua, though younger, was smart enough not to make Milluki's mistake and press the issue. Even as he burned with childish curiosity he remained silent.

 

But in his mind it echoed.

 

_Something. Something. Something in the basement._

  


For a time he was unaware that the thing Illumi called “monster” was the same as the thing his family called “Something”. When he found out, the two ideas in his mind collided but instead of fearing Something more Killua became far more wary of Illumi.

 

His feet echoed in the empty hall and he started towards the door. Slowly.

 

Killua wanted to laugh as he remembered but there was a catch in his throat and he was finding it hard to swallow. His hand was on the knob now.

 

All that was left was to turn the handle and walk in. He would meet Something face to face, finally. With his eyes closed and his hand warming the metal, a strange calm began to envelop him. His previous fears seemed to wash away into a feeling he recognized. It was a controlled fear, his emotions now locked tightly inside of him so that he could do what was asked of him. Yes, Killua knew this feeling very well.

 

This was the same control that he would initiate when his brother dragged him down these stairs.

 

Killua opened the door and began his descent.

 

His footsteps were silent and with each step down his mind seemed to become more and more blank. He didn’t think and he didn’t feel—he just walked.

 

Landing on the bottom platform, Killua began to hear a gentle noise like a child crying. He paused for a moment to listen and the noise got louder, this time he realized it must be someone sobbing.

 

He took a step further in.

 

The sobs grew to a wail and then suddenly the sound escalated into a shrieking scream that echoed off the basement walls and shook Killua to his core.

 

He froze.

 

Something was being hurt. Someone else was down there.

 

 _The door,_ he thought. _The door, was it locked?_

 

Killua tried to move his feet but they stayed glued to the ground. _No, no, the door had to have been locked. I’m the only one down here._ He began to panic and his eyes were locked on the door that separated him from the cell. His mind seemed to be sorting through a hundreds different thoughts at once trying to find out every possible scenario that could be happening inside.

 

The screams began to die down and Killua was yelling at his body to just _move._

 

_It couldn’t be… He’s gone, I know he’s gone. But he’s the only one who comes down here._

 

He heard footsteps.

 

 _MOVE!! MOVE KILLUA, MOVE!_ he screamed at himself. It felt like every part of him was straining against an invisible force. The light from the stairwell glimmered behind him. The footsteps stopped. The knob began to turn.

 

Killua ran.

 

* * *

 

 Killua’s back was against his bedroom door and his hand was grasping the knob. His breath came out in heavy gasps and as his body began to ease the stress of the situation his mind flashed back to the screams he had heard. Something’s screams.

 

He wasn’t sure why he was still so shaken by them. It wasn’t like they were anything new to him. He had been hearing them since the first time he’d been left in the basement.

 

Killua had been hung alone in his own cell, hunger eating away at him as his brother let him starve—“fasting” Illumi called it. It was around the second time Illumi had brought him down when he heard it. He remembered that Illumi’s footsteps had made their way down and he had dared to hope that he would be allowed up early. It was a foolish thought. Instead Killua heard the door of the cell next to his open; the cell he had always assumed was empty.

 

The footsteps were dull echoes to him, his senses dimmed by lack of nutrients and sleep. He kept telling himself that his brother was just getting something from the other cell, that he would come to his cell soon and take him back up to safety. Deep inside he knew it was unlikely but he couldn’t stop himself from straining his ears and listening for the sweet sound of the lock sliding back from his cell door.

 

Killua was sorely disappointed. The next thing he heard was the soft tone of his brother’s voice followed by the sound of… was that, chains?

 

 _It couldn’t possibly be…_ he had thought as he leaned forward, trying to hear as best he could.

 

Killua heard it again.

 

It was definitely chains, which meant there was someone else down here. Someone was in that cell.

 

No, Something.

 

It was then that Killua remembered the story that Illumi had told him.

 

 _The priest._ his thoughts were hazy and slow but he still managed to string pieces together as he hung there. _He’s been dropping hints this entire time,_ _Illumi was the priest and whatever is in the cell next to me…_

 

Killua’s thoughts seemed to be jumping everywhere and his brother’s voice kept flooding his ears.

 _“..._ _the young boy was loved by his family and though they were forced to cast him out with hate they did not abandon him completely.”_

 

_Our family. The family was our family, Illumi was the priest which makes the thing…_

 

 _“..._ _corruption turned him into a savage beast…”_

 

Suddenly the final pieces clicked together.

 

_Something. The demon is Something._

 

And then he heard the screams.

 

They were desperate and agonizing, splitting through the darkness in sharp strong wails that sounded as though the creature on the other side of the wall was in absolute and complete pain. Killua could almost feel the waves of sound shaking through the basement, through him.

 

He should have been able to take it. After all, Killua himself had screamed just like that mere days earlier. It shouldn’t have bothered him. It was a monster. It was a demon. It was Something. This was right.

 

But the screams wouldn’t stop. The cries kept coming one after another, echoing off the walls and slicing further and further into him as they grew in volume.

 

Killua may not have understood Illumi, but one thing he had picked up in the short amount of times he’d been into the basement was that his brother loved to hear him scream. The more Killua cried, the more it would continue. Illumi would push further and further until Killua would either refuse to make a sound or pass out from the pain. He had said that screams were the proof that demons were leaving the host’s body. He claimed that the screams were not even Killua’s, but a demon’s possessing his vocal chords. All Killua knew was that the sound made Illumi smile.

 

 _Just stop._ he thought. _Stop and maybe he’ll leave you alone, he wants you to scream, don’t you know that?_

 

They didn’t stop.

 

Killua tried clamping his hands over his ears but the chains stopped him halfway. He desperately tugged at the metal and pulled his head down, trying to do anything to block out the sound.

 

 _Why won’t you_ **_shut up?!_ **

 

There was nothing he could do. He was forced to hang in the dark and listen to ear-splitting sound that came from the other cell.

 

Suddenly his mind jumped back to days before; humming, trembling, shocking, burning into him. His body began to shake.

 

Killua’s face was knit with pain, his mouth was open as though he was yelling, but no noise escaped him.

 

 _STOP IT!_ he wanted to say. _PLEASE! I KNOW, IT HURTS! I know, but if you don’t stop… if you don’t stop he’ll keep going._

 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the sound stopped. Killua heard a sudden pull of the chains and he knew that it must have passed out.

 

 _Why didn’t you just be quiet?_ Killua could feel a pathway of tears that had traced it’s way down his cheeks as his shaking subsided. He hadn’t noticed when he’d started crying. _If you’d have just been quiet he would have stopped. You could have rested. Why?_

 

Killua never learned the answer to that question. Instead time after time the only communication he had with the thing in the cell next to him was through screams. He would listen every time, refusing to shut it out and refusing to distract himself. They always went on until it passed out and they always seemed to cut into Killua, shaking him at his core.

 

Illumi had told him it was a demon. Killua knew he must be right. His brother didn’t make mistakes.

 

But the sound. He couldn’t ignore it. He couldn’t dismiss it. Yes, the desperate ear-splitting screams were in a language that he understood. A language of pain.

 

Killua tensed. He felt a presence behind the door. It was cold.

 

_Illumi._

 

He hesitantly let go of the knob, his eyes following his hand as if trying to tell it this was a bad idea. Killua wasn’t sure why he even tried to keep his brother out. Deep down he knew it would just make things worse.

 

Taking a deep breath he stepped back from the door and turned around, in one smooth movement opening the door.

 

Killua stopped. Two pools of ebony, a seemingly endless abyss into nothing and he was caught inside. He couldn’t look away, the blank eyes staring back at him held him transfixed and his body, once again, refused to move an inch. He was sure a look of shock was written on his face and if he had been trying to hide it before, he had given everything away now. He barely heard his brother’s statement.

 

“Killua, you’re out of breath.”

 

“I was running.” he said.

 

“I see.” Illumi replied. His gaze was expectant.

 

Killua mentally took a breath and composed himself before speaking, “I thought you were away.”

 

“I’m back.” Illumi placed a hand on the door, pushing it completely back and stepping inside the room. Killua shrunk back. Illumi didn’t seem to notice and sat down on the bed. It was technically both of their room but Killua still felt intruded upon. He began to move back towards the door in an attempt to leave before Illumi questioned him further.

 

“Were you in the basement?” Too late.

 

 _Tell him._ he felt a part of him say. _No, no, I can’t tell him._ he argued back. _You can’t keep a lie from him. It’s not possible._

 

Killua felt a strange confidence build in him as he thought back to standing outside the door of the basement. Then he’d been saddened by the idea that Illumi wouldn’t ever know he’d been down there, now he was comforted by the possibility.

 

_How do I know that I’ll be caught if I’ve never tried?_

 

It was a split-second decision, but a monumental one at that. As a single word slipped from Killua’s mouth, he told his first lie to Illumi.

 

“No.”

 

A pause.

 

“You’re lying.”

 

* * *

 

_“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”_

**Psalms 23:4**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Abby and Zeal for the editing and help <3


	3. As a Seal Upon Thine Arm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It looked up. 
> 
> “Killua!” 
> 
> Killua froze. He wasn’t prepared for...this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, wow. This chapter was a rollercoaster to write, but it somehow all tied together by the time I was done. Hopefully it isn't secretly terrible! (It just might be, I didn't have someone read over it this time).

_“They chose death rather than contamination by such fare or profanation of the holy covenant, and they were executed.”_

****_1 Maccabees 1:63_

* * *

****

He was hanging from the basement wall. Again.

  
_  
_ _Stupid,_ he thought, _stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid._

 

Killua wanted to laugh. Thinking he could trick Illumi? Haha, no. His hope was falling down on him like a house of cards, one slight movement collapsing everything he had built up; a useless pile now lay on the ground and reminded him that there was nothing he could do.

  
Killua squeezed his eyes closed. _Useless. This is why he hates you. He doesn’t love you, it’s not true, he hates you, despises you, why do you think you’re down here? Disgusting, depraved demon._

  
  
Killua’s body—weak, undernourished, wrecked by shock and strain—tensed in fear. He struggled to come up with a way to prove his own fears wrong.

  
  
_No, shut up. He said it wasn’t me, he said he loves me._ he couldn’t stop the thoughts flooding in, _Liar, liar,_ **_liar!_ ** _Filthy, this is why he hates you! This is why he tortures you! You’re lying to_ **_yourself_** _for thinking anything different! You’re nothing to him. Nothing. And if you died down here he wouldn’t care because that’s what he really wants. Yes, death. That’s what he wants. You want to make him happy? Then die. DIE FOR HIM YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT!_

 

 **“SHUT UP!”** his voice reverberated throughout the cell, his body straining against the chains his eyes wide open.

 

Heavy breathing. Quieting. Silence. He fell back against the chains.

 

 _Doesn’t matter._ he needed to stop thinking about this. _I’m being irrational, it’s nothing._

 

A cough silenced him. Weak, small, a sound that was soft but shocked him into reality. A presence here with him.

 

 _Something._ It was in the cell next to him. Killua’s train of thought was broken for a moment by the memory of screams. They were always strangled cries that drew out far too long and he knew by the sound alone that the pain that thing experienced was far worse than his own.

 

The memory passed and soon his mind was back in a state of fear. The thought mixed with his desperation and a tainted idea began to creep in.

 

_I’m Jacob. I’m Jacob and Something is Esau and Illumi chose me. He loves me. But not now…now I have to show I’ve repented somehow, atonement for my sin. He hates Something. Maybe…_

 

His mind was tired, his logic failing him and a raw kind of insanity crept in. At that moment, he would have done anything to ensure Illumi’s love. It was all he had, all that was close to him and the only form of affection he could rely on without fail. Something, on the other hand, was a monster. Something could be his tool, his leverage to gain his brother’s favor back.

  
  
Out of his desire, his shattered state of mind and desperate longing for his brother’s love, Killua formulated a plan. He would kill it. He would kill Something and in doing so ensure his brother’s love.

 

But first he had to get out of these chains.

 

His mind seemed to shift, clearing of any thoughts except the task ahead. His emotions cleared, his thoughts became objective.

 

Killua knew it would be impossible to escape as he was. His arms were extended above him, holding him about two inches up from the ground and his feet were chained together. The position he was in restricted him from any movement aside from swinging and the chains were too tight to even think about pulling himself out. What Killua could do, however, was lower the chains around his arms. If he had more movement he could probably find a tool in here that could break him out.

 

The chains holding him up disappeared into a roll of chain that could be lifted and dropped by a valve-like wheel next to the door. Extended fully he might be able to reach it with his feet.

 

Killua pulled his chained feet behind him, searching for the cold stone of the wall. His stomach muscles tensed and everything else throbbed as the balls of his feet met the stone. He pushed off, hard. His body seemed to scream in protest, pain raking through it like every nerve was awakening in a chain reaction.

 

He let out a soft groan and then clenched his teeth and swung again. He made it about halfway across the room before swinging back, his body crashing into the wall behind him.

 

He groaned. This was going to hurt. Gritting his teeth, he pushed off and ignored the pain as he swung out. He extended his toes as far as he could and his body rushed forward, the momentum carrying him across the room. Metal. He had it. His toe was gripping onto the surface of the wheel. He tried to hold on but the weight of his body was bearing down on him. He pulled his other leg forward to grab the other side of the wheel.

 

_Slip._

 

He fell back and his body slammed against the wall. _Almost._ Again.

 

After several failed attempts and painful collisions with the wall Killua finally managed to grab the wheel with both of his feet. His body was parallel with the floor and he had no feeling in his hands. He pulled down with his right foot and up with his left foot, he could feel himself slipping again and the wheel wasn’t budging. He kept pulling. His muscles strained, the tendons in his legs sent shocks up his back, his arms seemed to be trying to detach at the shoulder. He ignored it and pulled.

 

_Clunk._

 

The chains fell an inch, not fair enough, as he dropped he pulled his feet forward further and when the weight of his body pulled him back he grasped as hard as he could to the wheel. He hung there a moment, breathed through the pain, resituated his feet on the wheel, and then he began again.

 

His back was about an inch from the floor and every part of his body ached by the time he was satisfied with the amount of chain he had let out. He dropped from the wheel and his body hit the floor with a thunk. He closed his eyes and lay there, resting for a moment, letting the pain subside into a dull ache.

 

Killua pulled himself onto his feet. They were chained together still but he could make small shuffled movements. He made his way to the table that was home to his brother’s tools. Thoughts of his brother torturing him flashed through and his objective was shattered for a moment by the reminder of his brother’s hate.

 

 _That’s why I have to do this._ he thought. His eyes hardened. He felt around the table, his hands brushing knives, needles, clamps, pliers, and was that… a key?

 

_No, he wouldn’t. Would he?_

 

Killua picked it up and felt along the edge. Rough at the bottom, loop at the top. It was the key. Illumi had left the fucking key.

 

Killua was frustrated. He knew his brother. Illumi most certainly knew there was a possible way of escape. He knew that his brother’s intention wasn’t to taunt him with the key because he couldn’t even see it in the dark. He knew that Illumi didn’t intend for him to escape, there would be no reason for it and he wouldn’t encourage disobedience. With all this in mind it left one conclusion.

 

Illumi didn’t expect him to even try. He was so confident in his control and Killua’s obedience that he knew he could leave the key right there and even if Killua managed to get down and reach it, he wouldn’t use it to get out. Illumi knew him.

 

Any other time Illumi would have been right. But right now, Killua’s only goal was to kill Something. He didn’t care what rules he broke to do it because in his mind killing a demon would erase every sin he had made up to this point.

 

He picked up the key, undid his chains and grabbed a long thin piece of metal from off the table. The pry bar in one hand and key in the other he left his cell and made his way across the basement, footsteps echoing gently as he approached the opposing cell.

 

He breathed once and then turned the handle. The door creaked open and he stepped in. He gripped the pry bar tightly and his gaze was locked on the form that hung on the far side of the wall. His steps were intentional, his thoughts quiet, his emotions far away from him. He had suffered with this monster but any thoughts of sympathy and understanding had faded the moment he realized the gap between them. He didn’t fucking care. It was a demon, an abomination, he would dispose of it. Illumi would be proud.

 

It looked up.

 

“Killua!”

 

Killua froze. He wasn’t prepared for...this.

 

Long dark hair parted like a curtain, revealing a pair of clear, beautiful sapphire eyes. The spark in them was such a contrast to the animal-like being he had envisioned, this alone made him completely forget his intentions, standing blankly in shock. But after he had processed this he realized something even more astonishing. Something was a girl.

 

Killua struggled to find something to say. The haze of his intentions faded into a stark realization of what he had been about to do. He felt the metal bar slip from his grasp and clatter onto the floor as he stood there, taking everything in.

 

“You-” he began, before stopping suddenly as he realized tears were streaming down its, no, her cheeks. Before he could think he felt himself moving towards her, his body wrapping her thin frame. She sobbed into his shoulder and he held her silently, his eyes wide with shock.

 

 _We are the same._ he remembered. The memories of her screams came one after the other, again and again, showing him what had drawn him down here in the first place, what had convinced him to defy Illumi’s word. His grip tightened. This was not his enemy. She was a victim, same as him.

 

He pulled her away gently and wiped the tears from her face, his eyes took on a soft glow.

 

“Hey, why are you crying?” he asked. A strange kind of protective nature seemed to be taking over. It was unfamiliar and confusing, but with it came a warmth, relief. Killua liked it.

 

A weak smile spread across her face and she rubbed her eyes before speaking. “I’m just so happy.” Her smile widened. “I’ve wanted to meet you for so long but I never thought I could.”

 

“Me too.” he said. It had slipped out before he’d even processed it but he realized that he meant it. Killua  tried the key he’d used on his own chains on hers, and unsurprisingly it worked. Why have different locks when no one tries to get out.

 

She crumpled and Killua caught her in his arms, carefully lowering her onto the basement floor and propping her up against the wall. He wondered how long it had been since she’d been out of those chains. Despite the obvious pain of movement, her smile was unwavering. He sat down, but kept her hand in his.

 

“You knew my name” he stated.

 

“Illu-ni talks about you all the time.” she replied. “He wants me to be more like you… I tried but all I know is what he told me. Maybe if I learn more about you now I can be just like you!” she finished, her eyes sparkling.

 

Killua wasn’t sure how to reply to that. Had she not been through the same torture he had? No, more than him. How could she smile like this? Why didn’t she hate him? He had been prepared to kill her but she, she had been waiting for him, wanting to meet him, to see him.

 

“You don’t want to be like me.” his voice was low. He was ashamed at what had finally given him the strength to break into this room. No, he was not someone that she should look up to.

 

“Why not?” her tone was innocent, questioning. “Onii-chan is amazing! Illu-ni told me and I just knew he was right. He’s mean, but I knew you had to be nice and you _are nice._ You even came in here just to see me.”

 

Killua looked away. He couldn’t do this. Shame seemed to coat his entire being, reaching into his heart and reminding him of all the murderous thoughts that had ruled his mind just minutes before. He wasn’t sure how he had managed to sin so much lately.  

 

“You’re wrong.” he cut in. “You’re wrong, I’m not what you think I am.”

 

Her eyes were so hopeful.

 

“Don’t you understand?” his tone rose in volume. He felt tears rise to his eyes. “I came in here to _kill_ you.”

 

She only smiled and squeezed his hand. Her grasp was so faint and Killua hardly felt it. She was so weak.

 

“It’s okay, I forgive Onii-chan.”

 

The tears were streaming down his cheeks now and he couldn’t understand the girl before him. How could she say that? She was supposed to be a monster, a demon, how could she say that? The family wouldn’t even talk about her, his brother cursed her on a daily basis and not once had he ever heard her name. How could she be so kind? So forgiving? How could she smile? Killua felt dirty and exposed compared to her, every sin of his seemed to fall on top of him in a barrage of shame. How could he have ever imagined to kill someone like this? How could he ever think himself better than her?

 

As all these thoughts ran through his mind his brow knit with confusion, his gazed locked on hers, he let out one word.

 

“Why?”

 

She seemed confused. “Why wouldn’t I? You didn’t kill me. You let me go and you’re here! I knew you would come!”

 

Killua shook his head. “No, no, you can’t forgive me. I did something bad. I did something wrong. I need you to understand.”

 

“You’re silly Onii-chan.” Her face became serious and she launched into a quote. “‘And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.’” her voice was clear and soft, the words comforting. It wasn’t a commandment or judgement that she was speaking but instead a reassurance. For once in his life Killua felt comfort in something from the Holy Book.

 

He laughed a little. “You’re right. I am pretty silly, huh.”

 

She smiled again. “Yeah, but it’s okay.” she knocked his head and he flinched as he smiled back. “Everyone’s silly sometimes.”

 

“How did you know that verse?” he asked.

 

She pointed to the wall that separated his cell from hers. “I hear you quoting. Illu-ni tells me some too. He says that maybe it will help.”

 

Killua nodded. He was about to say something when he heard an echo, steps. They would be at the door soon.

 

Illumi.

 

He looked towards his sister and she nodded, shuffling back to the wall and letting Killua clamp the chains back around her wrists.

 

As he hurried towards the door he turned and asked one more thing, “What’s your name?”

 

“Alluka!” she whispered.

 

“Alluka.” he repeated back to her.

 

She nodded and he left without another word, hurrying to his cell.

 

He closed the door softly behind him just as the door at the top of the basement stairs creaked open. All the comfort of the moment before faded and Killua felt his himself anxiously thinking through the timing it would take to get back to his cell and chain himself up. He was cutting it close. Rushing to the wall as quietly as possible he turned the wheel until the chains would suspend him at least an inch up. He quickly made his way across the cell. Footsteps. He clamped his right arm in. Closer. Left arm. The door creaked open. He tightened his fingers around the key.

 

Killua was hanging from his arms, feet bunched together. Hopefully Illumi wouldn’t look down. The footsteps stopped right in front of him. Killua could make out the tips of Illumi’s shoes. He didn’t lift his head.

 

“Killua.”

 

He felt relief flood through him. While most wouldn’t be able to tell the small differences in Illumi’s flat tone, Killua had learned over time the meaning of each inflection. Illumi wasn’t angry, he probably didn’t notice anything out of place. Killua lifted his head.

 

His brother’s stare was disarming.

 

“Come with me, I’m guessing you can get down on your own.”  

 

Killua went cold. He was wrong. But then why was he letting him down?

 

Illumi held his hand out, obviously wanting the key. Without a word, Killua dropped it onto the ground, the metal clinking against the basement floor. He didn’t know how to react, he expected punishment of some kind and it felt like his entire body was bracing for Illumi’s blow, mentally preparing itself for whatever was to come. But despite Killua’s uneasy feeling, Illumi was quiet as he unlocked the chains, his movements steady and graceful as usual. What was going on?

 

Killua dropped to the ground and rubbed his wrists, his gaze skeptical as he glanced up at his older brother. Illumi’s expression was the same and he waited a moment before walking out of the cell. Killua followed, hesitantly, maybe Illumi had an ever worse punishment planned. Worse punishment? He wasn’t going to kill him was he?

 

A shock seemed to run through Killua’s body as his deepest fear was confirmed. His brother _did_ want to kill him, he _did_ hate him. That’s why he was leading him across the room, so that the demon could kill him. The demon. Wait. Alluka. No, why were they going to the other cell?

 

“Why are we going in here?” Killua said coldly, his feet glued to the ground.

 

“Why do you think?” Illumi replied, turning around to look Killua in the eye, inky pools. “You’re going to meet your brother.”

 

Killua stood there a moment longer as his brother’s eyes bore into him. He didn’t want to move but he knew he didn’t have a choice. He silenced his reluctance and followed Illumi into the cell. Now was the time to wait, to watch, but not to act, there was nothing he could do, that was his decision.

 

Alluka looked up when they came in and Killua hid his concern as he watched Illumi walk up to her. His brother stooped down, looking her in the eyes, tilted his head to the side. She shrunk back instinctively and her head bowed down. Illumi stood back up and Alluka’s body slumped against the chains, unconscious. Killua’s brow knit in confusion.

 

_Did he do something? I didn’t see anything._

 

“What’s wrong with her?” he prodded. Illumi responded with his back still turned.

 

“Watch.”

 

Suddenly, she snapped up. But it wasn’t her. Or at least it looked nothing like her. The bright smile that had lit up her face was replaced with a blank grin and the spark in her eyes was now an empty stare. She looked...

 

“…possessed.” Killua said softly.

 

“Yes,” Illumi said, “he is.”

 

Illumi turned towards a wall to the right of Alluka. He walked over to a table similar to the one in the other cell. Killua could barely make out anything aside from the glint of metal in the dark but as Illumi picked up the metal he realized what it was.

 

Needles. Illumi was holding needles. Killua’s mind flashed back to that summer day so long ago and he subconsciously grabbed his arm. He could guess what was going to happen next and it was taking everything in him to remain where he was.

 

Killua watched silently as Illumi walked up to her. Helplessly, he saw the blank stare of his sister look past Illumi and towards him.

 

“Killua.” she said.

 

Illumi watched him closely, waiting for a change in expression. Killua did nothing.

 

“I expected more of a reaction.” Illumi admitted.

 

“It’s a demon, like you said.” Killua replied, his eyes a steely glare. “How would you expect me to react?”

 

Illumi’s lips stretched in a thin smile. It was the same smile he made when Killua screamed for him to stop. Fear spread through him.

 

“It _is_ , your brother you know.” Illumi rebutted. “Just like me.”

 

_He’s trying to trap me._

 

“He’s nothing like you.” Killua set his jaw. “He’s disgusting, I _hate_ him.”

 

He could hear his sister’s soft whimper but he ignored it. He refused to even look at her. He knew he wouldn’t be able to bare her expression right now.

 

“Very well,” Illumi stood and strode over to Killua, “then why don’t you put in the first one?”

 

His brothers pale fingers held out a long thin needle. On closer inspection it looked almost pretty, the metal glimmered and the needle head was a rich gold color. Killua wasn’t fooled. Despite its appearance it was clearly made to do damage.

 

He let out an even breathe and opened his palm. Illumi dropped the needle into it and stepped back.

 

_I can’t do this._

 

She was trembling. Her thin frame looked pathetic and tears fell from her empty eyes down her dirty cheeks. He stepped towards her.

 

_I can’t do this, I can’t do this._

 

He felt a cold stare. Illumi was waiting. Further. She cowered. Another step.

 

He stopped and turned towards Illumi, holding the needle out a safe distance away.

 

“I can’t do something like this,” he started. Realizing it could be misinterpreted he quickly added “to anyone.”

 

Illumi frowned.

 

“Killua, I don’t think you understand. If you refuse to do this you’re directly contradicting God.” his tone was cold. Uh oh. Illumi pushed the hand holding the needle back towards Killua. “I doubt that’s what you intended, hm?”

 

He could feel the icy words of his brother sinking in and found himself swimming in Illumi’s eyes. It felt like his brother was physically pulling him towards the trembling form that was chained to the wall.

 

Against his will he started to shake, his own body remembering what it felt like to be chained to that wall, electricity humming through him, his entire body screaming. Oh, how he wanted to stop. But he couldn’t stop. There was no choice, it was a command. He would listen. It wasn’t a choice.

 

He was not present as he took his sister’s shaking arm. Scars and scabs formed a revolting painting that started at her wrist and disappeared into the sleeve of her dress. Many of the wounds were oozing pus, it was only the first stages of infection but would be sure to spread if left untreated. It looked like years of abuse and it was a wonder she hadn’t lost her arm. He looked for a place that hadn’t already been torn open but he found nothing. He needed to work faster, he was losing his resolve.

 

“Killua…” she whispered pleadingly.

 

_Don’t reply. Don’t reply. Don’t reply._

 

He bit down on his tongue, hard. Killua moved to the other arm but was disappointed to find the exact same problem. He had no choice.

 

He wanted to close his eyes but Illumi was watching him. He couldn’t wait any longer. In one swift movement he raised the needle and then plunged it deeply into her upper arm. Immediately he felt a warm spray of blood hit his face and backed up, eyes wide. She screamed. Blood was streaming out from around the edges of the wound and the needle was still sunk halfway into her arm. Killua was afraid to pull it out.

 

He lay there, too stunned to move. He thought he felt Illumi’s hand on him but he couldn’t look up.

 

“Good job, Killua.” he heard. “Stay there, don’t move.”

 

_No, not good job. Do you see what I did? Don’t you see? How can you say that’s good?_

 

Illumi was in front of him now. Walking towards her. What was he doing? Killua saw a glint of steel.

 

It was all happening too fast for him, nothing he could stop. But at the same time it seemed to be in slow motion, Illumi raised his hand, the needle plunged in, she screamed. Again. A needle, a scream, blood. Again.

 

Killua just watched.

 

 _What’s wrong with me?_ his body was, once again, betraying him. _Why can’t I help her?_

 

He felt like he was clamped down by Illumi’s will alone. He couldn’t disobey.

 

_That’s right, stay. Good job._

 

Killua hated himself. But he obeyed. Every scream seemed to tear at him; each time he wanted to get up, run to her, he felt the needles Illumi had placed around his heart holding him down, digging further and further into him each time he tried to move.

  
  
_I am supposed to obey._ his fists clenched at his sides. Blood flowed freely from her arm and he could see the tips of several needles peeking through her under arm. _I am supposed to listen._

  
  
Then it happened. Her eyes shifted and as she let out an earsplitting scream the blue twinkle returned.

 

_Alluka._

 

Killua’s fingernails dug even further into his palms and he felt a warm trickle drip onto the stone. He couldn’t take this. He couldn’t watch this. He didn’t care what happened.

 

“ONII-CHAN!” she screamed. Her eyes begging, pleading that he come to her.

 

Killua could feel himself start to move, his hands looking for traction as they found themselves in their own respective pools of blood, but his brother’s voice stopped him.

 

“Killua, no.” Illumi stood up and started to walk towards him.

 

_Enemy._

 

Killua shrunk back. Illumi noticed and seemed almost hurt, his tone took a softer sound. “Killu, it’s me.” he stooped down next to him. “Do you remember what I told you about demons?” his tone was strangely instructive, the tone he used when telling stories, reading the Holy Book.

 

_Angel._

 

Illumi continued. “I told you that you can’t trust them. I said that they will do anything to deceive you. It’s never obvious when you’re being deceived Killua and the thing you saw just now was the real thing inside of him.”

 

“It’s, lying to me?” Killua asked, his voice hesitant.

 

“Yes. He is possessed, the times it doesn’t seem like he is doesn’t change that.” he pointed back at the body behind him. “Our brother isn’t in there anymore, it is just the demon. And that demon will do whatever it can to get you on it’s side. Remember Killua, ‘Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:-’”

 

Killua cut in thoughtlessly finishing the verse, “‘Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.’”

 

Illumi brushed his cheek in silent affirmation. Killua didn’t even register the touch. His brain was too busy spinning as he processed what Illumi had said. His heart hurt, but it made sense. Illumi was right, as always, he was right and Killua had fallen for the trick. But why did it feel so wrong… No, this was just what the demon wanted him to think, of course it would feel wrong.

 

His mind seemed to clear and he saw Illumi in front of him. His brother. How could he doubt his brother? He was right before, he’d been tricked. He’d sinned _again._ He needed to stop doing that.

 

“I’m sorry, Aniki.” he said, his voice thick.

 

“I forgive you.” Illumi said.

 

He opened his arms and relief washed over Killua as he all but jumped into his brother’s embrace. That was all he wanted, Illumi’s love. That was all.

* * *

  
  
_“I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.”_  
_  
_ **_Ecclesiastes 3:18_ **

**Author's Note:**

> None of this could have been possible without my amazing beta reader and best friend [Zeal](http://godspeedcomplex.tumblr.com/). (Who also writes some mindblowing fanfics [here](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fundips/pseuds/fundips).
> 
> I also want to thank [Abni](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ninagoofas1/pseuds/ninagoofas1) for giving me advice when I thought something was off.


End file.
